Thursday, 21 April 2011 § 1 Comment
When I finally sat down and worked out when I would take my
godforsaken, hateful exams, my planning had mainly to do with spacing them out with enough time between the respective rounds to cram in as much reading as possible. Also, Mercury is in retrograde until 23 April, which, if you’re a Gemini like me, is particularly bad news. And yet, as the math fell, my second exam, and the one I’m most worried about, still fell within the retrograde: it’s tomorrow.
As I inked that into my calendar, I realized with horror: that’s Good Friday. Now, I was raised catholic, but my catholicism has lapsed into a healthy heresy (when I had surgery last autumn, the admitting nurse asked what my religion was; I told her, “Marxist.” She said, “Okay, I can put that.” “There’s a box for that?!” “No, but I can write it in.” “Well, I’m not an orthodox Marxist…”). Exhibit 2: My post-it-note prayer shrine.
The way it works is this: I draw pictures of my (and other people’s) intentions on post it notes, pop them beneath the blessed virgin, and she usually works her magic. The top picture is of me passing my exams. Other prayers in there include job market success for friends, good mammogram/biopsy results for a family member, and funding requests (because the sweet baby jesus is more forthcoming with that stuff than our department sometimes).
But still: it seems like taking an exam literally the day and hour the christian world marks the murder of their messiah is bad news (book plug: read Paul Verhoeven’s Jesus of Nazareth. It’s brilliant and snarky and so fun to read, and I imagine much better than Pope Benny’s book of the same title.). And Mercury in retrograde to boot! So I called my Auntie M, who is a a very liberal sort-of-catholic — the kind who likes the mysticism of the church but thinks the moral of the story is that Jesus pretty much just wants us to love everyone and make love not war. She assured me that instead of inviting god to smite me dead, taking the exam on Good Friday is in fact the epitome of the lenten experiment: taking on and reflecting on the suffering of christ. And oh, will this exam be sufferance. And I very well may descend into hell, but then there’s that whole rising again on the third day — just in time for my last exam — bit. (Have y’all seen the new order of the mass? “Consubstantial with the father?” Farewell, Vatican II.)
Luckily, Auntie M, who has really gone above and beyond in sustaining and supporting me mentally, spiritually, and heretically throughout this exam season, has sent me a couple of very helpful apotropaics in the mail. Not pictured: the maxwell house passover hagadah, a card with a nun (a beloved family trope). And this “prayer rug”:
It contains instructions (the fine print on the bottom, if you will) to kneel on the rug and look into Jesus’ eyes, which appear to be closed, “But as you continue to look, you will see His eyes opening and looking back into your eyes.” It’s a holy magic eye! And, as luck would have it, I got one of these sent to my house directly from the church that sent them out, too!
The envelope contains a prayer that Jesus will “bless someone in this home spiritually, physically, and financially,” “make changes in this one’s life and give them the desires of their heart,” as well as instructions that you’re supposed to kneel on the prayer rug, check off your prayers on a card, and mail it all back to them — because “this very old church loans this to you, to bless someone connected with this home. Then it must go to another family that desire’s God’s blessings.” The lesson: blessings work according to the logic of chain letters.
Anyhow, today’s Maundy Thursday, which was always my favorite day in the liturgical calendar. I do not like feet, but I think the washing of the feet was probably closer to the radical message of love and forgiveness than anything else I ever learned in church. Also, my favorite song in the entire catholic hymnal is one of the two songs that’s almost always sung during the washing of the feet: Ubi Caritas. No mass for me tonight, though, on account of needing to re-read Origins of Totalitarianism and a chapter from Sex After Fascism. Also, colloquium interferes, and I’m footnoted in this week’s paper, a kind and also kind of hilarious gesture from a friend. So maybe that’s sort of like the washing of the feet.
I hope all these sacraments return me to some sort of state of grace, because y’all, I’m despairing, and we all know that despair is one of the deadly sins. These exams are making me crazy. And even though I know the crazy will pass, it’s actually sort of hard to believe it. Because all the hoops I’ll spend the rest of my career jumping through will make me this kind of crazy, too. And when I read discussions like this over at the ever-brilliant Tenured Radical, I can’t help but wonder whether the argument of Prof. X’s book (basically, higher education is wasted on some people [an argument elitist, nihilistic, and dubious and problematic at best in his formulation]) isn’t more applicable to grad school, and maybe I just am just a massive waste of resources. Luckily, I know that now is not the time to make rash decisions. So, with that, and knowing that it is not through grace alone that we are saved in the academic world, I return to my studying. Go: be the salt; be the light, and I’ll see y’all on the other side of exam #2.